I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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