WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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