If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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