guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
