apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
