So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
