I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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