You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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