I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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