try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
