you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
