She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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