had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
