Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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