Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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