i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
