who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize