everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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