I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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