currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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