we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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