I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
