I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
