Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize