i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
