I just threw up on my dentist
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
