I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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