If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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