why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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