ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
