Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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