Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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