I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
