Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
