The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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