do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
