Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
