you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
