FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
