I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
