That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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