Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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