I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
