How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Damn victory sex feels great
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
