Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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