rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
