I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
