Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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