man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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