from now on my penis is your penis
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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