Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think my fart just growled at me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
