I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
