So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
