The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
