I didn't shave. On purpose
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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