awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
